My sleep schedule has been pretty messed up for the last few weeks due to midterms, papers, finals, etc. And I sleep WAY too much lately! I'm working on it though.
But here's something that's been bothering me forever. I often share this with close friends but I'm going to put it out there...Maybe one day I'll look back and say, "hey, that's not how I feel anymore"... who knows.
Here's a verbal vomit of random things and random mixture of people:
Don't fake it. It's annoying, and everyone knows it. I absolutely detest fake smiles and high-pitched "how are you doing"s and "I miss you"s. It's not necessary. You know it, I know it, so let's keep it to ourselves. If confrontations are unavoidable, keep it short and end it with a simple wave. You don't have to pretend to like me. In fact, please don't. It really confuses me...
If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. We learned this as kids, yet it seems to get harder and harder with age. Aren't we supposed to get more "mature"? Obviously people gossip. You can say you hate gossip, but you really don't. I tell people I hate it, but I do it. If you're going to say something, at least get the facts straight. Wait, that wouldn't be fun, would it? I guess that would be called spreading facts, not gossip. If you can't handle all the fun by yourself, share it with someone you trust won't blab it to the world. It makes all those involved look bad.
I have a tendency to push people away, and certainly I have my reasons. I mean, I think of myself to be a relatively dull and boring person. Unless I feel TOTALLY comfortable in the environment or with the person/people I'm with, I will most likely give off an unfriendly vive. I hope people don't take it personally. On multiple occasions people have misunderstood my discomfort for dislike. This is certainly not true. Well, mostly not true. Those close to me know that I don't "hate" or even "dislike" many people unless they have directly done wrong towards me or someone close to me. And even then I really try to make myself find reasons to reverse the person's wrong by thinking, "what if they did that because..." blah blah. I think this is one of the flaws that I have. I need to realize that it is okay not to have to find reasons to like someone if they have repeated done harm. I feel like I'm talking in circles again...
Pushing people away is a natural protective mechanism--for me anyway. To a degree, everyone does it. Unless I feel particularly attached to the person, I probably will fade away without them even knowing what happened. If people don't put in an effort to build a relationship, why should I have to? And why should I have to seem like a she-devil to list out reasons why I am the way I am? I don't owe anyone anything, nor do I seek anyone's sympathy via my sad little autobiography. I hate that I am misunderstood, but at the same time, I shouldn't have to actively seek understanding from anyone. I long for sincerity in people. I don't need the obligatory "are you okay?" when you see me crying alone in the corner of the room.
Oh yeah and the classic... "I heard this and this happened to you from someone a while ago... you should have came to talk to me". What the eff. You mean, you knew all about my so called "problems" the whole time and not once... not ONCE did you ever come ask me how I was doing? If you didn't know, you didn't know. But what really hurts is that you knew the whole time. I was struggling. I barely had the strength to lift my head to look what was ahead of me. Do you think I had the strength to seek your 'guidance'? A shoulder to cry on? How cliche. You were nowhere to be found. Now I'm at a healing phase. I'm stronger than I was. Where are you now? You're ashamed and disappointed, I know. But what for? Because I made the wrong choices at perfectly the wrong times and risked our comfortable friendship, or because you were so close to catching my fall but didn't even flinch? I don't blame you. But I would really like to know one day. What was going through your mind? I would like to know for some closure. I'm healing, but I keep picking at the scab.
I don't even have any form of hatred towards you despite what I am saying now. I really do admire you and I am truly happy for your achievements. You have a true talent in what you do, and despite what others say, I strongly believe that God has blessed you with so many talents. This is total honesty.
It's past 5AM. At this point I'm just typing whatever is going through my thoughts. I believe I am happy though. I am comfortable :) I am truly thankful for D and everyone around me~
I'm slowly but surely mending my relations with God. I was never really mad at Him, but more so disappointed in myself for not being the person that I wanted Him to see. I'll continue to work on it though.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
-- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
